As I sit down to write this essay, I am waiting, in my tuxedo, to perform at a concert in the middle of nowhere, and my thoughts drift to one subject. Bach is a Total Dill-weed. Now I know a lot of you out there are like, but Corey Bach is a genius and Dill-weed isn’t a real word or even a plant. To you people I say eff you. When you’ve studied music for as long as I have, you understand that yes, Bach is an aforementioned Dill-weed. This comes from a number of reasons.

One, Bach hated women. And the Blacks. While back was writing music, women didn’t have the right to vote, and blacks were still being used as slaves (not cool). I know you may think that Bach being alive and these ideologues don’t actually sync, I again say eff you (especially if you question my use of “ideologue”).  Answer me this; in the year 1750, Bach died and 4 out of every 8 slaves realized slavery was wrong (go ahead and fact check that internet community), this cannot be a simple coincidence. But I digress.

Two, Bach sounds like the sound a chicken makes. Can you really trust a man whose name is synonymous with a flightless bird that causes serious flu pandemics (no animal makes a sound like Beethoven)?

Bach caused Swine Flu.

Okay, that was a little intense for the idea I was trying to get across, but I mean it’s not completely out of the question. Also, I would like to take this time to express my apology to any chicken who read this or was dictated this and feels slighted by my remarks. Not because I love chickens, but due to the fact that I find it amazing that a chicken could read and understand the English language/ understand it verbally if the chicken was dictated this essay. No one should be compared to Bach.

Three, my first year theory teacher told me that Bach would fail first year theory. I use this reasoning for two are reasons (REASON-O-RAMA). One, a lot of the harmony taught in first year theory is based off many of the forms from Bach’s own work. That’s like a toddler forgetting how to walk or failing a book report based on animal farm, if you are in fact George Orwell. You have to be pretty stupid to do that, or, as I stated before, a Dill-weed.

The other reason I believe him is that he is French. And the French know their music (See: Celine Dion, Roch Vosine). In fact, I would rather listen to a 7 hour Celine Dion concert (with no intermission) then 3 minutes of any Bach sonata. That’s right “My Heart Will Go On” is better live than Bach’s entire library of music.

In conclusion, for all you Bach lover’s out there (as racist as you may be), He is a total Dill-weed, and I’m pretty sure he hates midgets (he can be all bad).